How to deal with jealousy or any uncomfortable emotion in 7 steps
Step 5 Bring love to the root energy of jealousy or any uncomfortable emotion in your body – your hurt, precious, sweet, inner child
Time for some love for yourself in this step in learning how to deal with jealousy.
At the core of the feeling of jealousy, as well as all uncomfortable emotions, is a hurt aspect of yourself which was actually already here before but is now being triggered by the jealousy situation.
Every painful self-concept and hurt, unresolved energy within us shows up in our body. This is good news because this gives us conscious access to seeing and bringing love and healing to them.
We all have hurt children inside
When I experience inner wounds such as jealousy, whether within myself or within someone I’m working with in a WellBeing Alignment Session, I frequently see the following image:
If you picture a person as a “house,” all of us have several hurt children in the “basement” (unconscious) of our humanness.
How did all these hurt children end up in the basement?
It is extremely rare, and perhaps impossible, to not experience trauma in some form or another in this life.
Whenever you experienced intense experiences as a young child, or even in infancy or the womb, your young being didn’t know how to process it. It was too overwhelming energetically.
For instance, perhaps at a time when you were very much in need of attention as a young child, your caregiver wasn’t able to give it. Not only that, maybe there was someone else they were attending to instead of you.
Within you arose an intense feeling that you didn't understand or know how to deal with, which you would later call "jealousy."
A common outcome of an experience like this would be that you developed an incorrect assumption that you’re “not good enough,” not important, etc.
It is even possible that you came into this life with that belief already in place from a traumatic event in a previous lifetime. Then that unresolved trauma creates scenarios in your present life that reflect the same dynamic, or you might interpret relatively benign experiences through a wounded lens of “I’m not good enough,” etc.
Are you struggling? I’m here to support you.
Are you struggling? I’m here to support you.
Either way, even if you were in infancy and weren’t fully cognizant of what was going on, on some level you FELT it.
As children we are 100% dependent on our caregivers for EVERYTHING. Therefore, it is psychically and emotionally overwhelming to experience not having your needs met, even if we don’t fully understand what is happening.
Energetically, this can be absolutely overwhelming for a young being. As a result, an automatic survival mechanism within you finds a way to cope with the overwhelm.
What usually happens is that we automatically push the experience of the tight, overpowering energy into the unconscious (the basement of our “house” in the metaphor I mentioned above).
However, these tight energies which seem to be hidden in our “basement” don’t go away. They draw to us situations in life that reflect the beliefs we developed about ourselves, related to painful experiences in the past.
In this example, holding the belief that we aren’t important, we will draw to ourselves painful events which seem to “prove” that. Or, a situation may not be about that at all, but we experience it through the filter of “I’m not good enough,” and see the experience as “proof” of that.
Each time we experience something that lines up with our beliefs about ourselves, the belief and the tight fist of pain within gathers more energy and becomes greater.
Until we begin to learn how to deal with jealousy and other strong experiences, these tight places simply become tighter.
Here’s how to shift the cycle from pain to healing – a key aspect of learning how to deal with jealousy
To return to the metaphor of having several hurt children in the basement, until an outer event triggers the exposure of one or more of our hurt children, they aren’t accessible.
We can’t get to them for healing because we aren’t even fully conscious of them. We might be aware of a vague sense of turmoil and unhappiness in the background of our experience, but it is foggy and indistinct.
However, whenever you experience jealousy or any strong uncomfortable emotion, it is like one (or several) of your hurt children have climbed up your basement stairs, opened the door and are now ACCESSIBLE. They are standing there, in the full light of day. You can now SEE them.
This is a tremendous healing opportunity for learning how to deal with jealousy and other strong feelings.
Believe me, I know it can feel intense at first. But once you see these experiences as opportunities for healing you begin to view these jealousy situations (and all painful situations) quite differently.
Once this “hurt child” has had the courage to climb the stairs up out of the “basement” (your unconscious) into the light of day, then you can consciously connect with them and attend to them with the loving attention they need for healing as you learn how to deal with jealousy and other strong emotions.
We’ll do this together in a moment. But first…
To give you an idea of the focused attention your hurt inner child needs…
Take a moment to notice the sounds in your environment. Pick just one to focus on, even if it is as subtle as cars in the distance.
In order to truly focus on just one sound, you have to stop doing everything else, including thinking, if only for a few seconds.
For the first few seconds, there is a heightened sense of awareness and conscious Aliveness. This Aliveness is what you ARE, always here, though generally in the background of our experience. Focusing on just one sound simply focuses more attention on attention itself, even if just for a few seconds.
To put it another way, YOU, Attention become aware of your Self AS Attention. Consciousness becomes conscious of Itself.
Notice that when you focus in this way, you’re not trying to control the sound, you’re simply focusing on awareness OF the sound.
This discovery of yourself as Awareness is the whole point of this lifetime!
“ The world isn’t here to make you happy, but to make you conscious.
~ Eckhart Tolle
(…and the only place to know true, permanent happiness is from YOU, Reality, this which already IS Consciousness.)
Even in this realm where we think we are a “me” which is actually just a collection of self-concepts, one of many lovely bonuses of knowing yourself as Aware Attention is that a powerful doorway opens up into healing on all levels.
Now, together let’s bring healing to where it is most needed within you with the following steps.
Bringing love and healing to your hurt inner child
1. Evoke the situation which triggers jealousy in you
To do this, all you have to do is remember the event where you felt the jealousy pain.
You can also imagine the person / people involved are in close physical proximity to you right now, as we did before.
This will uncover the feelings and inner wound related to the situation, but since they aren’t actually physically with you in this moment, it will give you more space and attention to be with yourself in a loving way as you learn how to deal with jealousy.
2. Scan your body and tune into places where it feels tight or uncomfortable
As you think of the situation or people which trigger jealousy for you, initially you may predominantly be aware of emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, and etc.
After you notice that, then travel down inside your body with your attention.
Watch for any sensations of discomfort, particularly in or around your main chakra centers in the torso of your body. You'll notice these as energies such as:
a kind of clench (fear and anxiety)
a tight fist (anger)
heaviness and cloudiness (depression)
generalized feeling of unhappy discomfort in your being and body
All of these are different ways we experience what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the “pain body.”
Our deeper issues are generally located in the torso, however, the feelings can be located any place in the body and there may be several at once.
Don’t worry if you can’t find a specific place the discomfort is located. If that is the case, shift attention to the generalized feeling of unhappiness instead.
3. Witness the energy sensation of jealousy within your body without trying to change it
When you notice this “jealousy” energy / feeling (or any uncomfortable feeling), let go of trying to fix or change it, or even to heal it.
Be the “Witnesser” or the “Noticer” and see it without trying to DO anything with it.
For as long as you can, even if it is just for a few seconds, focus attention on the unhappy feeling, excluding everything else, in the same way your attention was focused when you tuned into a sound in your environment in the exercise above.
Take a few moments to see the body sensation wordlessly. Rather than paying attention to your thoughts ABOUT what you are seeing, place your attention on the SEEING of the energy.
As you simply watch this feeling / sensation / perception, your mind might want to label it as jealousy, fear, sadness, anger, and etc. However, decline to label it. Let all words and descriptions go, even if just for a few seconds or minutes.
You probably won’t be able to stop your thoughts entirely. However, by choosing to focus on the sensation rather than your thoughts, the thoughts fade more into the background.
4. Invite up into Consciousness the experience in the past that this emotion and sensation relate to
Every painful emotion we experience in the present is a re-triggering of pain from an event in the past. Some events you might remember and some you may not.
There might be memories which were suppressed because they were too overwhelming, especially if you were a young child or even an infant at the time.
An event in the past may automatically come into your memory in this step in learning how to deal with jealousy. If not, you can ask within, yourself:
“Is this jealousy feeling (or any emotion which shows up within you) familiar to me?
What experience in my past does it relate to?”
Then, from a place of openness, watch to see what comes up into awareness.
If nothing arises, don’t be concerned. It is your willingness and openness to become more aware of what is going on within you on the deeper levels that is most important. That openness itself opens inner doors of healing.
You can trust that your inner Intelligence is in charge and knows what it is doing.
If / when it is important for you to remember the events connected with your inner pain you will, as you deepen in learning how to deal with jealousy. If not, you won't.
5. Decline to form a “me” who is suffering
We all tend to get caught up in thoughts about what happened and / or our feelings about what happened, which creates and continues feeding energy to both a story and the felt sense of a “me” who is suffering, which we then identify with.
We think we ARE this “me” story, rather than the wordless Awareness which sees both the thoughts and the feelings and isn’t hurt by either of them (or anything else!).
It is actually the “me” story of suffering that IS the suffering.
All human emotions are actually impersonal.
As I mentioned before, there is a vast chain of cause and effect events that led to everything that happened in your life, long before you were born. Your parents took on the energy of the unhealed wounds of their parents, and their parents’ parents… back to the beginning of time.
It is only when we mentally create a “me” and believe that “me” is who we are that we suffer.
Once we become aware of the tight energies of emotions – jealousy, anger, fear, sadness and etc. – they unwind on their own, UNLESS we get fooled into believing the “me” story is who we are.
So for just this moment, let go of both the memory of the past (if one came up into awareness) and the word story of what is happening now.
6. Tune into the undefined ALIVENESS of the energy of jealousy
When you think of the situation which triggered jealousy within you, and you notice the body / emotion sensation of it, decline to call it “jealousy” or any other description.
If we don’t give it a name, define it, or assign any concepts or thoughts to it, it is really just pure energy, an expression of Life Force, appearing in this particular form.
Life Force is what you and all life ARE. It manifests as an unlimited variety of forms, including the form our mind would label “jealousy.”
In its essence, this energy is Life itself. Without calling it “jealousy” tune into the energy itself. Feel the vibrating Aliveness of it.
7. Let go into the Aliveness, the energy sensation you noticed in your body
Check to see if there is any way you are resisting or energetically pulling back and away from the sensation in the emotional / physical body, or wanting to deny it is there.
If you notice any of this, don’t judge it.
Just shift your attention to seeing THAT energy, without labeling it as resistance. If it is there, then THAT is the energy that is more accessible, more on top, so to speak, than the actual jealousy energy.
To return to our metaphor, this “hurt child” is the one who made it up the “basement” (out of the unconscious) stairs, opened the door and is most accessible. The jealousy “hurt child” is probably right behind it, but perhaps not quite as accessible yet.
So let whatever energy you are most aware of be here as it is, whether it is jealousy, resistance to jealousy, anger, fear, sadness, etc., without judging any of it.
Now, let go into it. Silently tell this energy:
“Okay, I give up. You win. You are here, so you GET to be here. I allow you to be here as you are.”
As you say this, feel how it feels to truly mean it, to give up the fight, so to speak. For just this moment, fully give up trying to change, fix or heal anything, within you or your situation.
Later, as you deepen in learning how to deal with jealousy, you may get inner nudges about what to do, but for now, just let go into the sensation you are feeling regarding your jealousy situation.
8. Tune into the sense of caring you have about yourself and bring love to this energy / hurt child
You wouldn’t have found your way to this site if you didn’t care about yourself. You’ve actually always genuinely cared about what happens to you, even if you weren’t fully conscious of that fact.
Sit down beside them, metaphorically, and tell them:
“Hello! Thank you for showing yourself to me. I’m so glad I can finally see and love you now.
I’m here with you right now and I care about you very much.
You get to be exactly as you are. You don’t have to change anything or ‘improve’ anything for me to love you.
You’re not alone anymore. I’m here with you.”
Hold this sweet precious child with love, in whatever way is meaningful to you, such as:
bringing your physical hands to the area in your body where you feel this energy and sending love through your hands
getting in touch with the warmth of your caring for yourself and then focusing that warmth directly toward the jealousy energy within you
Let go of any expectation about what you want to happen or what you think should happen when you do this. Instead, bring all your focus to bringing the warmth of your caring to this hurt aspect of yourself.
The tight knots of suffering gradually unwind on their own, the more we get out of the way and let it happen rather than trying to make it happen
If you stay with this step in learning how to deal with jealousy for awhile and do it regularly, you’ll find the tightness of the sensation eventually starts to let go, anywhere from a mild to deep letting go.
Remember, don’t try to MAKE it let go. You can’t. :-) It will let go in its own time.
Next, I'll meet you in Step 6! Experience yourself as Being, the only source of true love and healing
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