How to deal with jealousy or any uncomfortable emotion in 7 steps
Step 1 Choose to shift attention to YOU. Discover and tune into the healing love you ALREADY have for yourself
You DESERVE your attention.
This can sound selfish at first, but ends up being the best thing for everyone involved in certain situations.
Until we learn how to deal with jealousy, in situations where it arises, our habitual tendency is often to keep attention on the OTHER people involved – what they said or did – and to react inwardly, then often outwardly.
Later, in Step 7 we'll shift your focus to bringing love and acceptance to all the other people involved. But for right now, we want to focus on bringing loving attention to YOU.
First, a word about the limits of trying to boost yourself up with only words.
Uplifting self talk has its place but by itself won’t bring you healing on the deepest levels
Many of us have learned various coping strategies, including ways to try to build ourselves up with mental “pep talk,” when we feel diminished in some way.
However, if you’re reading this page right now, you’ve already discovered that method doesn’t actually bring you the long term healing you’re looking for. While it may bring some relief initially, ultimately it becomes a distraction that keeps us from being with our deeper inner pain in a loving way so that it can release.
While all words only exist on the level of mind, they can sometimes be very useful as bridges to point your attention more deeply within, past the mental level.
On the other hand, if you keep your attention only on mental phrases in an attempt to heal something which is much deeper than the mental realm, the mental “pep talk” loses effectiveness because it isn’t able to reach to the root of the energy of the pain you’re feeling.
Saying kind things to yourself certainly has it’s place and can work as a kind of bandaid to get you through a situation, such as when you're learning how to deal with jealousy. Given the choice between saying unkind things to yourself or more positive things to yourself, yes, by all means go with the kinder words.
But at some point the deeper underlying energies of jealousy and feeling “not good enough” still need to be seen, accepted, and lovingly addressed as you’ll learn how to do in this series. Then, and only then can your jealousy pain unwind.
To learn how to deal with jealousy, you first must access your transformational power of choice
You have an awesome power of choice, which can direct your attention to the innate healing power you already have within yourself.
At first it can take effort to CHOOSE to shift your attention back to yourself when the old habit of focusing on the other people in the jealousy situation arises, and it WILL arise.
Now you can create a new habit to CHOOSE to care enough about yourself to CHOOSE to make yourself a priority in this situation.
As you follow these steps to help you learn how to deal with jealousy and you notice your attention gets pulled back into the stream of thoughts about what the other people involved did or might do, first, decline to judge yourself for it.
We are all conditioned to fixate on our concept of a situation like jealousy, try to figure out a solution, and have opinions about what we or the other people involved “should” have done differently. That’s simply what the mind does.
When you notice this occurring, CHOOSE, again and again, to keep shifting attention back to what YOU are experiencing within yourself, your being, your body in THIS present moment, as you’ll learn in these steps.
CHOOSE to decline to follow the mental habit that either tries to build yourself up with self-talk in order to compensate for the feelings of diminishment that come up with jealousy, or to lash out (mentally and / or verbally) at the other people involved, or to compare yourself to the other person your partner is interested in.
All that may come up as you're learning how to deal with jealousy, and later we’ll go more into lovingly, neutrally observing the energy of it within you without judging what is arising or yourself.
You’ll find you’ll be able to do that when you first CHOOSE to not gallop down the mental corridors of “he said / she said” when you become aware that is happening.
When it does, again, don’t judge yourself. Following our mental stories is what we’re conditioned to do.
Eventually we recognize how painful it is to do that and we’re open to other options.
Meanwhile, while you're learning how to deal with jealousy, when you notice you’ve been spinning in the story, the movie of your perceptions about what is going on with the other people in the jealousy situation, at some point you’ll notice you’re doing that.
Then, decline to judge yourself and simply bring your attention back to what you are experiencing within YOU in this present moment (especially the body sensations and emotions, as you’ll learn in these steps), rather than what you perceive the other people did or are doing.
Tune into the kindness for yourself which is already here
The fact that you are here, reading this page right now tells me you DO love yourself. You care about what happens to you or you wouldn’t have put any effort into looking for help on the internet about how to deal with jealousy.
Take a moment and tune into that sense of caring, that wanting to be happy and wanting good things for yourself. Notice that the caring for yourself IS here and FEEL it.
Play with what it would feel like to CHOOSE to be kind to yourself, no matter what you are feeling or thinking, and no matter what you did or how you reacted in a situation where you felt jealousy.
If that feels like too tall of an order right now, then just tune into the INTENTION of being kind to yourself.
Once again, notice that you're still reading these words because you CARE about yourself. FEEL that caring. Notice it and REST in it. Let go into it.
All your life you’ve cared about what happens to you. You’ve wanted the best for yourself. Take a moment and look back through your life and see that this is true.
See that many of the choices you made in your life were based on trying to feel better in some way. Even if later they seemed like poor choices, at the time they were motivated by wanting to get out of pain and feel better in some way.
That comes from caring about yourself.
Let that sink in – the fact that your love for yourself has always been here. Relax into that discovery, that knowing. Feel the warmth and the light of that truth, of your own love for yourself. Let it nurture you.
In my own life at one point I realized that even when I felt suicidal, it was actually motivated by love. Back in the days when I didn’t know the methods I’ve since realized and shared with you on on this site, suicide felt like the only way to relieve the emotional pain. So even suicide is actually motivated by love!
Even if thoughts of self-judgment arise within you, they still come up within a bigger field of caring about yourself and what happens to you.
Decline to judge yourself
As we learn how to deal with jealousy we come face to face with our old painful conditioning and it can feel quite intense and even overwhelming at times.
I encourage you to let go of judging yourself if your conditioning kicks in and you don’t like the way you behave and / or someone else doesn’t like your behavior.
In any given moment we are all doing the best we can, given our state of consciousness at the time, and this includes YOU.
This might help you understand WHY you have been feeling and acting in the ways you have, when you're learning how to deal with jealousy
For many (if not most) of us, as children we often had experiences which were so overwhelming emotionally and energetically, we didn’t know how to process the intensity. Consequently, our innate inner intelligence came up with some kind of strategy to get us through, to cope.
Are you struggling? I’m here to support you.
Are you struggling? I’m here to support you.
To stuff our feelings, react, or try to change a situation we don’t like are popular ways of trying to cope as young children. If reacting or trying to change a situation isn’t well accepted by the adults around us, we learn pretty quickly that that isn’t an option, so then we go with the clamming up approach.
Our survival instinct and psyche figure out a way to get us through the overwhelming situation, and all of this is generally going on below our conscious awareness. Energetically we unconsciously push these energies to the background of our experience – into the unconscious mind.
However, these coping habits become self-defeating as we grow up. All those un-met, unresolved, semi-conscious or completely unconscious energies are still within our being, festering and causing pain in our lives, and often in the lives of those around us.
And this is true for everyone on the planet, not just you and me.
So, together let’s CHOOSE healing. Before going onto the next step in learning how to deal with jealousy, please go back to the section above and take some time to tune into the kindness for yourself which is already here.
Next, come join me in Step 2! Become more aware of your ineffective coping habits and avoidance strategies which cause you more suffering
Once you are able to fully see them and realize they ARE ineffective, they begin to fall away on their own, gradually uncovering the truth of Being, the true reality of who you are. This is a key step in learning how to deal with jealousy.
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