How to deal with jealousy or any uncomfortable emotion in 7 steps
Step 4 Open the doors of healing with acceptance
Acceptance can seem like a foreign concept.
Especially when we don't know how to deal with jealousy.
Most of us are conditioned to resist what we don’t like. It’s what we see modeled by the other humans around us as we grow up. As a result, resistance is an unconscious habit for most of us.
Resistance has its place
There are certainly times when a particular form of resistance is not only appropriate but deeply needed. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mohandas Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Rosa Parks are just a few of countless people in history who were shining examples of a form of resistance which came from the heart.
In order for resistance to injustice to be effective, it has to be motivated by love, a deep sense of caring for ourselves and our brothers and sisters. This love focuses our attention more on what we are FOR, rather than what we are AGAINST, which is the only way we can be truly effective in this world.
True, effective resistance which comes from love includes an acceptance of the current situation as it is, as well as our own feelings about the situation. Nothing can change until we first accept What Is as it is.
When we accept What Is, there is an inner softening. Space opens up for innate Presence, Consciousness to reveal effective solutions which come from love and can produce healing for everyone involved, if they are open enough.
These solutions arise by themselves when we decline to follow and believe our thoughts to be the absolute truth, and we begin to shift attention to the still, quiet, peaceful Presence within our being.
Acceptance is a doorway into consciously noticing this Presence you already are but perhaps haven’t noticed yet.
Resistance without acceptance works against us rather than for us as we're learning how to deal with jealousy
In our minds we generally think that if we resist something hard enough it will somehow, hopefully, change a situation we don’t like into one that we do.
What we resist persists.
~ Carl Jung
It is true that resistance has tremendous energy and power. On the other hand, it tends to work against us rather than for us if it doesn’t include acceptance.
What actually happens is that the tight knots of inner pain within us which are triggered in situations where we feel jealousy (and other strong emotions) are actually fed more energy when we try to deny or resist a situation without first accepting it. The tight fists of distress become even tighter.
However, as we learn how to deal with jealousy we find that only by acceptance of jealousy and the situation which triggered it can it unwind.
So how can you NOT resist what you honestly don’t want?
Here’s how to let go of resistance and allow that tremendous energy to be transformed into healing energy instead:
1. First, become more CONSCIOUS of inner resistance
With sincerity, ask within yourself:
“Am I resisting any aspect of this jealousy situation (or any other challenging situation) in any way?”
As you ask, what do you notice? What comes into your Awareness?
Resistance may come in the form of thoughts, feelings, and / or tight clenches within your body, particularly in the core of your torso, but they can actually be any place in your body.
Then after a few moments, ask again and notice what shows up within your Awareness.
2. Then, when you notice way(s) you are resisting the situation or your feelings about it:
Accept that the resistance is here within you
In other words, decline toresist the resistance. Allow the thoughts, feelings, and / or sensations to be exactly as they are, without trying to change them or judge them. Just SEE them.
In the following steps of this series on how to deal with jealousy you’ll learn how to simply BE with resistance, jealousy, or any other uncomfortable energy, and let it unwind on its own.
Say “yes” to the entire situation as it is
Only by acceptance of jealousy can it unwind.
To be free of any situation we first need to say an inner “yes” to everything exactly as it is in this moment. Not just the word “yes” but to play with letting the word open up the space and FEELING of a “yes.”
Remember, you don’t need to tell yourself, “I must accept this situation forever.”
Instead, just as you we did in Step 3 we will focus on just THIS present moment. To help you learn how to deal with jealousy, you can choose to look at your jealousy situation from this perspective:
“For just this moment right now, I’m going to experiment. I’m going to play with saying an inner ‘yes’ to everything in this situation as it is right now and to tune into the feeling of that ‘yes.’ ”
Play with saying an inner “yes” to :
Your thoughts, feelings, sensations and everything you are experiencing in regards to your jealousy situation (including NOT wanting to accept it all as it is, if that is arising)
All the other people involved, exactly as they are
The outer situation exactly as it is
The truth is, the situation IS as it is
There isn’t anything we can actually do to change any of it. I’m sure you already tried that, right?
Everything in our lives is part of an incomprehensible chain of cause and effect events that began eons before we were even born into this lifetime. Countless things happened in the past (and in our previous lifetimes) that led to things being exactly the way they are in this moment.
There are endless debates about WHY we’re here, WHY we’re experiencing this dream at all, and WHY things are so challenging at times.
All opinions about these questions are simply different ways to view our situation. But no matter how we view it or think about it, things still are the way they are in this moment.
However, the way we experience this present moment is hugely dependent on our attitude toward it
The more we resist anything in our lives, the tougher everything can feel. On the other hand, as we gradually learn how to deal with jealousy and other uncomfortable feelings, the more we can let go and let what is BE what is, the more open to inner healing we are.
The only thing we can truly do is attend to what is showing up within ourselves as it is. The best way to lovingly attend to what is going on within you is to bring acceptance to everything you’re aware of in you and in your situation, just as it is.
The true healing you’re looking for can’t happen without acceptance.
You’ll discover that your life flows in much more harmonious ways when you can step back and let it. And when you don’t feel accepting, you can accept THAT. :-)
We start with where we are and accept ourselves and our situation the way they are.
Anything that you accept becomes transformed. That’s the miracle.
~ Eckhart Tolle
The more deeply you let go and let the jealousy-evoking situation, the people involved and yourself be as they are, the more inner and outer space you’ll begin to experience
The steps given in this series on how to deal with jealousy (especially the ones you are most drawn to) serve as doorways to shift your attention AWAY from the usual mind chatter which we are conditioned to identify with, and TOWARD the Stillness, the conscious space you ARE which everything arises IN.
This inner Stillness is ALREADY accepting your jealousy situation and all your reactions to it as they are. This inner Silence is the only source of true peace and healing.
As we accept any situation as it is and let go ever more deeply, there is more and more space to notice what is profoundly revealed beneath it - still, quiet, peaceful, infinitely alive and awake Awareness.
You become conscious of Consciousness. You notice THIS is what you are, this eternally shining, Aliveness which simply IS. And it is ALWAYS here. And it is YOU.
Then from this perspective you’ll KNOW what to do in your relationship and in your life, moment by moment. You won’t need to try to figure things out.
Instead, you’ll feel and sense what to do or which way to go organically. A river doesn’t have to figure out how to move around a boulder. It just naturally flows around it in whatever way is most appropriate and effective at the time.
Next, come join me in Step 5! Bring love to the root energy of jealousy or any uncomfortable emotion in your body – your hurt, precious, sweet, inner child
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